Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 21:59:17 GMT

I've had this journal for a year and I'm not so much getting sick of it as I think it's time for a change.

So if everyone would be very nice and add my new one, please do that. Pretty please? :D

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 21:45:51 GMT

When you're not happy, I think the worst thing you can do is pretend that you are. Sometimes just trying too hard depresses me even further. It's no use thinking up things to do that will make you feel wonderful and full of life...to me it's just sad because it's clearly faking. Just let yourself mourn for a while till it's gone.

I'm thinking I should really use this summer to do something constructive with myself. I love the feeling of learning, it's so powerful. Numerous times during my years at school, I felt that a lot of that studying we did was unproductive and simply a waste of time. But I'd like to learn more about things that interest me. Like improve my English vocabulary or read into some psychology books. If anyone has any more suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them :D
Another thing I'd really like to do is get my driver's license. This is different from what most of you are used to, but in my country (I sound like Fez now heheh) you can't drive till you're 18. And it's the same way here in Egypt. But there's a chance that I might be able to do learn before I turn 18 (like this summer is what I'm hoping). I have to "investigate" a bit more on that matter, I'm not quite sure what the law is like here. Either way, I can't actually drive with a license before April next year.

That's it from me for now. Love you all!

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 21:05:26 GMT

Hello to everyone. I'm back in Cairo, back online. It's been..colorful these past few days. Goodbyes with friends. Graduation is done with. I'm feeling a mild depression coming my way. It's all over, I've left for good this time. And you never know just HOW strong your feelings for someone are until you leave them. I was unpacking some stuff this morning and I found a letter LH wrote to me a year ago. I broke down crying like nothing's ever made me break down. I can't believe it's been a freaking year since that letter. Things have changed so much since then. I wasted my last chance at prom to look him in the eye, to say goodbye. I did nothing. Seeing him watch me all night makes me feel worse in a way. I hide it so well though, he probably thinks I had a great time..I sure looked it. I love him and that's the truth, anything else I say is bullshit. I love him and I admit it finally, now that there's not one thing I can do. I am not strong, I am nothing. I don't have a choice but to look forward to my new life where I'll meet new people. But I know I'll spend a certain amount of time looking for HIM in every other guy.

I'm sorry to be rambling. I'll be better soon..I hope. I know I haven't done much commenting lately but I will. I just need to get a grip and some proper sleep.
And Ashley, I'm so sorry about your grandma, I just read your posts. Much love to you!

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 19:44:37 GMT

It's OVER. Bwahahah! I'm done with high school, finally. Every form of test/exam/presentation/project is over with and now it's just chilling and preparing for graduation. Which will be held on the 20th by the way, so everything seems to have turned out great, no problem with my flight and all my grades are final. My thesis thing went smoothly today, I'm pretty satisfied. So...that's it, end of update.

Ok now something that I've been thinking about recently. Do you feel like you haven't started your life yet, that in a way you're living for the future?
It's always been like that for me and I started wondering how realistic or sane that is. Because what if I spend my whole life preparing for the right time when I'll actually start my life and make my decisions that will do and change something for me, like I'm waiting for that time when it'll be worth it to take a risk..

It's also like this with money...you're always saving up for the future and it makes sense because there is my education to pay for but then again..do you think there ever comes a time when you actually live your life for today and spend your money because you don't expect to need it for something in say 5 or 10 years? Somehow I don't see it because then you'll need it for a house and when you get your house, there might be your kids and saving up for their schooling and it's like a never-ending circle...does anyone ever get out?

I could get out I suppose, but I don't want to. Because I am not that person who will risk their future for today. Even though I now have doubts on whether that tomorrow I'm living for ever comes, I'm still going to keep doing the same thing because that's who I am. Maybe it's a safety thing..

Tue, 25 May 2004 22:30:06 GMT

Whoa I've been gone for a while. So an update...everything is kind of falling into its place. If I wasn't so exhausted I'd be typing this all happy and excited because that's how I feel inside. But today was a pretty tough day and I have no energy left to express how glad I am that everything is finally over. That's right, no more exams in high school for me. I do have to defend my thesis some time next week but there's plenty of time to get ready for that. The main pressure is off and I'm very very happy to say that I'll be finishing my unusual last year of high school with straight A's. *smiles* It was a hard road, finishing school from another continent. Today I had my last exam which stretched to three and a half hours and it wore me out so much that I am now too tired to sleep. That is the worst oxymoron stress brings. But thankfully, it is behind me now and that is the greatest satisfaction of it all.

There are a couple of other things that are keeping a stupid grin on my face lately *blushes* I am still so in love it's becoming pathetic but I don't care, you all should be jealous lol. It is the best feeling in the world. Each time I truly and honestly feel like I'm ready to forget him, he does something to make me fall right to where I started. When he is just there, doing the smallest and most simple things that show me he still cares at least a tiny bit, I am left with nothing on my mind but "Remind me, why exactly are we not together?" Oh, I don't forget, I have a whole mental list of reasons why but in that moment when he's in front of me..holding his hand, oh God his smile..they make me become unreasonable and want him in spite of everything.
Well, I know I'll get over him eventually, as soon as I go back to Cairo all the hopes that inevitably still live in me will be shattered for good. But I'm letting myself fall again because pretending I'm strong and determined hasn't worked so far and if just talking to him creates bliss for me, well then I guess I have to talk to him while I'm still here, right? :D If only it were that easy.

Apart from that, other things are also making me feel pretty great, I've been spending lots of time with my friends even with the exam stress I had. I guess it's good to balance it out, it's definitely been a fun week ;)
I think I've changed a bit in the past few months, gained some self-confidence. But that's a whole different matter I'll probably talk about another time. I'll go try and sleep now. Lots of love to all my lj friends!

Sat, 15 May 2004 17:58:30 GMT

I'm home! My God, I haven't been this happy in a long time. It's great! I can't explain it...I've gone away and come back but somehow it was never like this. I've never gotten this much attention from people generally. And I really missed everything, the people and my hometown. It was really strange seeing it again, when I left it was still gloomy winter and now everything is so pretty and green! Hehe I never realized before how full of grass and trees my town is.
I can't wait to give all those gifts I bought for my friends. I've put a lot of thought into some of these and I love that feeling, seeing their face when they open it.
I haven't seen my boy yet, not properly that is, which is making me feel kind of crap. I saw him only for a second but we were so far away and I don't think he saw me. So I feel like this is how our relationship is standing. We've become strangers in the distance. I know I said I was happy but there's just a part of me that feels empty because of him. I honestly don't have any hopes of us getting together but I just don't want to graduate and leave it like this. After all this time it would just be so crappy to end it like there never was anything. I need to talk to him so badly. And right now the odds of that happening are not good so it makes me miserable just thinking about it...what if this right now is how it really is and I never see or talk to him again?
Anyway, I have to get a grip and push him out of my system. My written German exam is now on Wednesday and the oral one is the next day. So that's when it starts. I'm so glad that it's finally here and I can finish these exams. It's funny, I'm not even nervous about them anymore. Oh I've also been exempted from doing the big essay exam seniors have to do, yay! Well basically, things are hectic right now but once they've calmed down, I'll be back here properly, doing tons of commenting and all hehe. I can't wait till prom, I have my dress, shoes, bag, everything! Lol, I sound like such a girl.

Wed, 05 May 2004 15:45:36 GMT

Here's a random thing about me: I love scents. Scented candles, incense, perfumes, bubble baths..oh not to mention flowers! Flowers are so pretty too, but if they don't smell good, they're just no use. I have this coconut shower gel, yum! It's like bathing in soft creamy coconut chocolate..if you know what I mean haha.
If I had all the money in the world and if wasn't so strict about buying things I don't need (lol that sounds funny) I'd have bought all the perfumes there are. I have Ralph by Ralph Lauren right now but Green Tea by Elizabeth Arden is very nice too. In my opinion, the best one for men would be Giorgio Armani Aqua Di Gio. Well tell me what you guys like!

Everyone back home is finishing school this week. No more grades or classes after that, just preparations for graduation. There's also this essay exam late May and defending our thesis beginning of June. I wonder if any other high schools require seniors to write a thesis.
Anyway, I wish I could finish everything in the next three days. Ugh, I'll be doing the exams after all the other seniors are done with school. That blows but then again, I should be grateful that I finished my classes four months ago. I really hope I'm exempted from taking the essay exam. Keep my fingers crossed.

I should be studying my ass off right now. I should start packing too. I'm leaving in 6 days and that feels pretty weird. I've spent so much time worrying about these exams and now I just can't care any more. It's as if there's no more concern left for me to feel. I mean whatever, it's just grades. I know they're important but only until I get into uni. And it' not exactly like I have a mountain to climb. I had straight A's at the end of the first semester and if somehow I don't have them now, oh well. Who cares, I do better than most people anyway. A B won't ruin my life.
I think I might have been putting too much stress on myself, never allowing myself to fail because that is something I can hardly cope with. I have so many ambitions, goals set for myself but I rarely talk about them, just in case I don't get there because it would be too hard to look people in the eye after. And I think that maybe this needs to stop.

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 14:48:27 GMT

Yes, I've turned into such a slacker lately...just for the record (lol), I really do mean to update and comment more often so I hope no one takes me off their list cause of it. I just have a lot to do right now.

I'm going back home in only two weeks. In every possible way, I can't wait. Believe me, I am enjoying my life in Egypt so far but I miss my friends and most of all, I want to get high school over with. I am three exams away from graduating and it's gotten so close now. I think my first exam will be on May 20th. Then prom and graduation are sometime in June so by late June I should be back here in Cairo to complete my uni application.

As for my applying to the AUC, my high school diploma is all that's left to submit. I got the results of the English proficiency exam and I'm pretty proud of myself *smile* I must have aced the test since I got placed in the highest level English class which enables me to also take 4 other courses (or more if I want to overload) in my first semester.

I'll go do some commenting now because I love you guys :D

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 23:05:49 GMT

this song came on and it went something like 'i hate everything about you, why do i love you' and it got me thinking. it's an oxymoron but minus the extreme love-hate emotions, that's how i feel.

then i saw a movie about a girl who can't forget her ex and there is a scene where her friend says 'it's over. why can't you just let it go' and she goes 'because..i can't...i was happy.'

and it hit me. it's so simple but it's exactly why i can't move on. i was happy. he made me happy. and we weren't even in a relationship. but i loved every second of it and to be honest, i think he did too.

--------------------------

on saturday i went to this youth club to meet mai, a girl selma knows from when she came to egypt in september. she seems really cool and i met tons of her friends..they're all sweet but only a few of them can speak english well so that sucks but yeah. the next day one of her friends got free tickets to the opera for my brother and me. so we went with him and saw the opera tosca. the guy is really nice and surprisingly, the opera wasn't boring. it was cool to dress up and play grown ups for a change lol. hm, i must have missed something but i can't remember anymore, it was an eventful last few days...my bro is going back tomorrow night but i think he'll come again in october.

---------------------------

i did an hiv test today, needed to do that for my uni application. i was just wondering if every country required that...i mean what happens to you if you're hiv positive, you get thrown out of the country, or they don't accept you at the uni..it's a sick form of discrimination. the last time i checked, being hiv positive was not a crime.

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 00:00:33 GMT

Do you ever get swept away by sudden waves of memories? Like out of nowhere, in the midst of your thoughts you get a flash of something that happened to you years ago...and it doesn't even have to be something important from the past, just little things that got stuck somewhere deep in your memory..and before it sprang to surface you almost forgot about it. I just keep wondering what triggers this because I'm not talking about a memory that appears when I'm reminded of something similar in the present...this just jumps up in forms of flashes...it's like a split second when I close my eyes and this feeling comes over me...I love feelings like that though, deja vu is similar...

Sat, 06 Mar 2004 22:37:47 GMT

For anyone who's interested in visiting Egypt, time for a post of its downsides, just to prepare you.

I've mentioned before how time doesn't mean much to Egyptians while to the rest of the world, time is money. Well, now I can edit that and put it in capitals (but I don't want to scare anyone hehe): Time means absolutely nothing to them. In fact, neither does money. Not really.

About 10 days ago, we ordered a digital receiver and a dish for satellite and cable TV. They came, delivered and installed it all, except for the card for the cable TV. All that equipment was not cheap but they didn't ask to be payed. They said to come the next day to fix the rest (and I'd assume to take the cash) but to this day, I don't have cable TV. A few days ago they actually came, then said they had to go to the roof to do something there and would come back to the flat to finish. So they exited the flat and never returned. Heh, how freaking weird is that. For all I know, they all committed a collective suicide from the roof. Ok, so I can get over the fact that they're completely irresponsible, but one would think that the money would attract them.

Next case. The building I'm living is a owned by a rich Egyptian family who live in a number of those flats themselves. They've been trying to improve the facilities (if that's what you want to call them) and *calculating* 4 days ago they called us and said that they'd be changing the water pump or something and that there will be a water outage from 12-14 p.m. Well, you can guess, they were late even with that. We actually had water until 13:00 and...(guess again) that was the last we saw it. Yup, that's right. Four days later and we still have no running water. Good thing we have supplies. But this is ridiculous. And endless complaining doesn't help either. So much for the 12-14 schedule.

And the last thing I'll burden you with is the case of my brother's visa. My brother lives in Kuala Lumpur and is supposed to come visit us in Cairo on 10th of March. He has a letter from the Egyptian embassy in Sarajevo saying that he is our immediate family and should be granted a visa like ours. So there is NO problem at all for his getting it. However, Arabs have decided to stretch it as much as possible and to make such complications so that he still doesn't have it. No, there isn't a reason. It's all fine, everything is great, yet no visa. Meanwhile, his reservations have been canceled and God knows if he will make it on time. I'm going out of my mind. How sucky is it going to be if he doesn't come?? I haven't seen him in almost a year and I wished to show him so many places here in Cairo. We were also planning on going to Sharm el-Sheik together.

I am at a point of being so angry and annoyed that it goes beyond my ways of expressing it. So I give up. Ah, what the hell.

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 21:35:54 GMT

I used to think that shy guys attracted me. They seemed mysterious and I wanted to uncover the mystery. We all know the saying "Still waters run deep."
Yet now, I must admit that proved to be one of those theories I made that stopped being interesting and sounding right when I actually experienced it. Guys can come off rude and uninterested with their coyness. I never intend to pursue someone who isn't friendly or shows how awkward it is for him to talk to me. First impressions, although not always correct, are important and influential.

There is a good-looking guy in my year who my best friend noticed about a year ago. She wanted to get to know him better but he was so shy that he backed off each time someone he didn't know tried talking to him. So she soon gave up the idea altogether. However, a few months after that, we were sitting in a bar and he approached us alone and sat down at our table. It was a huge surprise. We gave each other looks that said "Omg, how come? Him, of all the people!" All sorts of ideas came to our heads and my friend thought that this was a good chance to find out what's behind the introverted-guy mask. Ah, what a disappointment it was. He didn't have a hint of originality in him and kept the conversation going for some 2 minutes. After that he expected us to entertain him. Well, we did make a few attempts, joked around for a while but it was as if he had no individuality. He simply didn't have much to say to anything.

It was things like that happening over time that made me get a better idea of what it is a really want in a guy. Certainly it is someone who can hold up a decent conversation. Nah, cross that. He needs to have personality, heaps of it, and enough confidence to express it. Self-confidence and arrogance are not the same thing. I don't want to be constantly thinking of things I could say or topics we could discuss. I don't want to be on a voyage of getting him to open up to me. I've found that a guy is better at keeping me interested by his words and actions, rather than silence.
I like a guy who can dance. It might sound silly and unimportant but I believe it reflects his personality. He doesn't have to be especially good at it but the fact that he is on that dance floor when most guys dread dancing shows confidence. I like confidence. I like a challenge. Not competition, but an intellectual challenge, someone who after hours of talk still has something to say and feels drawn enough to me to stay and say it.

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 21:57:11 GMT

I took a few people off my friends list since they've been silent for a while. Meaning you either haven't updated in a while or never comment. Just things that made me assume you don't actually read my journal, nothing personal.

Today I finished my sixth and hardest exam. An 'A', yay! (it rhymes lol) I received five 'A's and one 'B'. I know that by saying I deserve more than that 'B', it sounds like I'm trying to blame someone other than myself. But I worked my butt off to do perfectly well on my oral exam yet get a 'B' and the explanation something along the lines of "Since you won't be present in classes and get the chance to participate and gain the additional information I give that is not in the books." Well how is that MY fault?!
But I will not think any more of it. I had straight 'A's after the first semester and since they add up the grades from the first and second one, I should have straight 'A's at the end of the school year also. I might sound like a freak here but I just like getting credit for my work. And I work hard, I don't know any different.

I cannot express how glad I am to have finished all of this. Two months ago it seemed like this huge weight was coming to squash me and I dealt with it! :D Now I'm done with exams until May.
That's another thing. I thought I would be returning home in June and spending summer holidays here but it seems like I'll have to come earlier and stay only about a month.
My flight to Cairo is early Monday morning.
Well that's it for now, I'll go sleep off this headache.

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 22:33:46 GMT

Morpheus: Do you believe in Fate?
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Why not?
Neo: I don't like the idea of someone else being in control of my life.

I believe that whether we like it or not, there is something bigger than us which we cannot influence. Things take place regardless of our hopes and efforts. And it's rarely predictable.
I've been taking notice of everything that's happened in the last year or so and my first deduction is that nothing ever turns out how you imagine it. Or to put it differently, stuff happens when you least expect it to. I've had too many unusual experiences not to believe in Fate. However, by this I don't mean miracles or believe that my soul mate will show up at my doorstep and I'll call it destiny. I think Fate pushes us but we still make the choice. For example, it might bring two people together but those people need to work on staying together.

It's hard to define I guess, but no one can deny that our lives are also affected and changed by something other than ourselves, since each contingency will prove them wrong.

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 23:56:17 GMT

It's funny how some things can change your whole outlook at the given time. In one moment you get so taken aback that you think "I was so stupid, how could I have been so wrong all this time" and then you start to think back on everything that's ever happened connected to that person/thing and even the things that once made you melt with satisfaction are now suddenly turned around in your head and every single smallest detail you can think of was somehow done with evil intentions towards you.
But that feeling fades eventually and you miss it (him), so you go back to trying to convince yourself that it wasn't all that bad while it lasted and that it was your own fault for not doing something differently.
Or maybe that just happens to me.

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 17:43:47 GMT

I have one simple question. How can I know if I'm in love? And no, "you just know" is not an acceptable answer because I "know" every single time and I am always wrong. I just don't see it until waaaay after I'm over him and I'm thinking "What was I thinking?" Hehe.

If we go by the movie defined love, I'm very much there. Bumping into doors, tripping over things, accidentally breaking dishes etc when he's not around. Each time I talk to him is followed by a sign of illness (and let's not forget happiness hehe) like pallor, blue lips, if the conversation was long, then a fever and over time even developed a possible ulcer. This all happened to me. But one problem, I don't believe in that movie love. So I'm asking, am I really in love or is this an obsession?

Fri, 12 Dec 2003 23:25:09 GMT

This is a comment an English teacher left in my journal (a real journal written in a notebook, meant for her) over 3 years ago.

"I think you are very intelligent&creative yet when I give you an assignment in class, you always act like it's the most difficult problem on earth. I would expect you to jump head first into the pool of learning and try to do the best you can. It's like you feel the need to put up barriers, build walls, in case you don't get it right, then you can say it was too difficult or confusing. You have the ability to achieve greatness. Amra, allow yourself to think this about yourself.I want to see you really perform in English this year."

When I first read this, I was blinded by the criticism that I didn't even realize she actually gave me compliments&was only trying to help me become aware of my abilities. It was one of those moments when you see what the saying "truth hurts" means. Because now it is clear to me that she was absolutely right and never before she pointed it out to me had I seen it. I guess I have made progress concerning this in the meantime because reading this again now makes me feel flattered, not hurt. I am still a pessimist but I do know what my talents& aptitudes are. I think negatively about myself without even knowing that I do because if I fail, I won't feel as awful, it will be sort of expected.
I notice this now even concerning male-female relationships. I will not dare believe that any guy is in love with me until he slaps me in the face with it. Even when he asks me out, I will turn him down, he will be hurt&embarrassed and I'll truly be shocked by all this, saying "But he didn't REALLY like me, why is he so upset?" This is what I did recently. I don't know why. I don't even think that poorly of myself. Anymore.
I guess shielding myself from getting hurt has been so deeply integrated in me all this time that I am only starting to notice.

Sat, 06 Dec 2003 14:34:55 GMT

So last night was great, I love when things happen spontaneously. I'm taking my mind off of the same things that make me....unhappy is not the right word, just not happy. Hehe, so there's still some hope for me. I have to get round to starting that grad paper already. It's due by the end of january and I had such great plans&ideas, but now it seems that I've lost the confidence in my writing skills and I've been putting it off, sort of as to not face the disaster I'm gonna make of it. But I can do this. This is the person who dreamed of being a writer one day. I just didn't know researching for political advertising would be so difficult.

Mely's gradpa died yesterday. I hate awkward moments like that. I never know what to say because I've never really faced death of someone close to me. It doesn't mean I don't care but what am I supposed to say when someone is crying over a death?

Sun, 23 Nov 2003 19:38:17 GMT

Everything is weird. Life is passing by me so quickly I forget what the point of it is sometimes. Things are hectic, I never come around to doing the things I promise myself to do more often, like update here.

I have a thing with names. I always use codes for people, not just here, but when I talk with my friends as well. A week or so ago we actually wrote down all the ones we've been using for the past year or two and there were around 20 of them and only 1 of them being a girl. And the code for her is, well, Bitch. Heheh.

Mely&I have made a sort of pact that we do something about the guys in our lives by (randomly picked date) 17.4.2004. We settled on that and now a day later, she wants to move it forward. Heheh. she's bored, we're constantly talking about how sucky life is, how nothing ever happens and I guess she's decided that she can't wait till april. The only thing is, she doesnt know who to make a move on. Oh well. Lol.

Sun, 16 Nov 2003 18:01:10 GMT

This is long but it's hilarious.

I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
,ngjfdgnfnu! do u agree? altho i think its kinda kfuvgh ufd
Amra says:
man u are bored
no just crazy i bet i have the temp
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
im burningggggggg
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
yeah baby yeah
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
im a PIMp
Amra says:
what?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
i dunno, y r u asking me?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
as if i would know
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
u weirdo
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
aj laaaaaav virdos
Amra says:
yeh i know, shes such a lil cow
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
alright this is 2 much even 4 me
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
but i do agree on d cow think, she has those black and white spots on her
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
o wait thats dalmatians
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
oops
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
y do i always get it wrong?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
theres gotta b more 2 life
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
than chasing down selmas imaginary friends...
Amra says:
hahaha
Amra says:
no seriously, shes always talking aobut this and that person from egypt&how shes gonna go out with them and then the plans always screw up
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
smarten up amra 4 gods sake
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
screw? literally?oooh i didnt know plans could screw
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
ahhaha
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
bring me 2 lifeeee
Amra says:
im going deeper underground
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
u must learn 2 b more efficient, this is just not cutting it
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
did i tell u im having a baby
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
pudding?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
in my diaper
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
like on jackass
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
im a jackass
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
and u better start talking
Amra says:
ahh i cant
Amra says:
im breathless
Amra says:
im puddingless
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
but ure not fartless and thats all that counts
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
when u go 2 college, thats all they look at, u think theyre gonna look at ur grades? hahah
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
im reading phils hournal, its weird sick! hes going on about how he wrote 2 all these serial killers and how charles manson replied
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
i wonder if its all made up
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
man i cannot believe how much Phillip has changed, reading his journal is just bloody bizarre
Amra says:
hey u have an id right?
Amra says:
he sounds like sum sick freak i wouldnt wanna meet
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
nope, no id. i dont get it, how can sum1 change so much, he sounds really like sum psycho, and generally sum1 i wouldnt wanna know. going on about drugs sex etc its amazing
Amra says:
huh?how come, i thought u got it last yr before going to the sea
Amra says:
has he tried drugs, had sex?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
drugs yes sex apparently no
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
no i never got it there was noone 2 give me 1
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
but baby if u give it 2 me...
Amra says:
r u high?
Amra says:
what do u mean there was noone to give it to u? Im positive u have it, i couldnt have just imagined it all
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
what? dont u remember u or selma m were meant 2 give it 2 me but u never did
Amra says:
oh yeh, now its all coming back to me
Amra says:
hey whats a gem-encrusted bra?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
so u dont have the id now do u? a bra encrusted with gems? lol
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
shania twain had 1
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
on mtv
Amra says:
aHA, whatever lol, we were saying about ids
Amra says:
really do u have one coz i need to change money in a bank and i need an id for that, so if u can come with me, that would be nice
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
what??
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
u need a gem encrusted bra
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
2 go 2 d bank
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
lol
Amra says:
yes, thats it
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
what was that seriously
Amra says:
what was what?
Amra says:
i need a freakin ID to change money in a bank
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
id banks bras coming with u
Amra says:
i have 15 euros that i want in km
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
an id? i know nothing about ids lol so do u have 2 get 1?
Amra says:
no i dont
Amra says:
i need someone who has one and since u do, u can pretend its ur money while we change it&then give ti back to me
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
i have an id?in a bank?
Amra says:
oh for fucks sake, im pms-y dont make me have a nervous breakdown
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
hahaha omg i cant believe it, ur talking about an identity card hahah
Amra says:
what the hell did u think i was talking about?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
sumthing like an account in a bank, and i was like wtf, where did she get d idea that i have 1
Amra says:
hahahah
Amra says:
but how come? u know ID is an identity card
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
no i dont lol. we were talking about id on livejournal, thats not identitiy lol
Amra says:
whats an id on lj?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
what??? u asked me if i have 1
Amra says:
what?
Amra says:
i asked u if u had a ID
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
and i was like "no, u or selma m were meant 2 give it 2 me"
Amra says:
i thought it was all ur rants
Amra says:
i was freaking out over here
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
omg
Amra says:
u were going on for ever
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
hahahahah
Amra says:
EVER
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
this is just 2 funny
Amra says:
i know
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
i cant believe i was talking about 1 thing and u another
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
and we wouldnt have figured it out
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
if u hadnt asked me 2 come with u 2 d bank
Amra says:
i was like WHAT IS going on with her, i know shes being silly but this is too much
Amra says:
so after a while i got sick of it and just went with it
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
hahaha
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
oh lol i have 2 look back at the convo now 2 c this
Amra says:
what were U talking about?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
hahahahahaha
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
oh my god
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
this is hilarious
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
im laughing 2 myself here
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
im like there was noone 2 give me 1
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
hahahahah
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
oh man
Amra says:
but what
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
and ur like "huh didnt u get it b4 u went 2 d sea"
Amra says:
there is noone to give u what?
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
an IDDDDDD
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
lol
Amra says:
what?
Amra says:
but u didnt know i was talking about an ID
Amra says:
and how can some1 give it to u, u have one
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
duh i thought u were talking about the password thing or id woteva its called on livejournal, u know how u have 2 get it from sum1 2 join
Amra says:
ohhhh
Amra says:
but thats a code
Amra says:
not an id
Amra says:
ohhh now i get it
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue, and u will think that I've moved on... says:
man what a good laugh

Mon, 03 Nov 2003 13:24:05 GMT

Hey, well that secret admirer finally spoke up! I don't know who he got my number from but I'm supposing it's my friend he talked to before. The only thing is that I would have thought she'd ask me first, before gaving it to him.
Anyway, it's a guy that I met just last month and I sometimes flirt with. It's who I thought it would be but I had to pretend I was surprised hehe. It was all cute really but he seemed to go for all or nothing, after like the 5th message, he already asked me out& I just told him I like someone else right now. I feel like a bitch now cause it could have all been done more nicely but it's easier face to face I guess. I dunno how he'll act tomorrow when I see him. Hope it doesn't ruin it all& he never speaks to me again. I like talking/flirting with him, but this was going too fast& it just wouldn't be fair to him if I led him on. I'm clearly not over LH. But it was nice to know someone finds me cute hehe.

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 20:02:42 GMT

I'm moving on! It's what I've been postponing for weeks. I was waiting for something for a sign or something, telling me if I should give up or keep hoping and I've just had enough. I know you care, it's not being subjective, I just know it. It's what everyone's been telling me for months now and I just didn't dare see it until it pretty much hit me in the face, in case they were all wrong and I got hurt. But you know what? I'm still hurt. Even when you care, you still manage to hurt me! So I'm drawing the line now and it feels like SHIT! Because when you spend so much time waiting for something, for things to be resolved and realizing that it's just not gonna happen, it makes you feel empty. But I'll be fine because you are not worth it and I know that.

It was about time I updated

Mon, 27 Oct 2003 12:34:48 GMT

So I'm stuck. I have to deal with it, I don't know how. I have to make a decision to myself and stick with it. I can't separate what I want to do and what I should do. I'm doing what I should do because I'm unable to make myself do what I want. And it feels shitty. I picture it all in my head and when the time comes, I can't do it. Not because my subconsciousness is stopping me, telling me I should stay strong& not follow my heart but because I'm too nervous to speak. That almost never happens to me.
What changed in me to make me feel intimidated by a person now when I never was before? Good thing is that no one notices. They all think I've just decided to stay firm. But it's a landslide of emotions inside of me. My knees are literally trembling afterwards. This is what I've wanted to feel, what I've been whining about for ages now but here I am and I can't handle it.

Sat, 18 Oct 2003 20:46:11 GMT

Wow, what a day. Last couple of days were amazing. I can't wait for school on Monday to see what's gonna happen. Probably nothing, but I like living in illusions hehe.

I went shopping with Mely yesterday. In the meantime, Selma was in school, waiting for choir practice when LH approached her, started pinching her cheeks and asked what's up with me, why I'm mad at him. I couldn't believe it. We hadn't talked to each other in over a week and I gave up, I thought that was gonna be it. It's def unusual that he came to her to see what the deal is with us since he is not on good terms with Selma, since grade 9 she always pretty much just thought he was an asshole and she annoyed the hell out of him. I was so happy. Who am I kidding, I'm not gonna get over him any time soon.

Well yesterday I also found out that this guy likes me. I still don't know who he is since he came to one of my friends and she was actually not supposed to tell me any of this cause he doesn't want me to hear about it from her, he wants to approach me. That's definitely a self-confidence boost. I hope he does something soon so I can see who it is!

There's been stuff happening to Mely as well. This guy called her and she should be meeting him sometime next week. It's not a date exactly but she's hoping to get to know him better. We went to this field trip today and spent the whole way home (which is like 4 hours) talking to these guys, it was so fun. We laughed so much, it felt great to be in the center of attention. One of the guys has totally got the hots for Mely. I'm sure he'll ask her out soon if they continue talking.

Thu, 16 Oct 2003 19:13:23 GMT

Anyone remember how I talked about never really being able to open up to anyone? Well it looks like all these years of keeping things inside has gotten me some health problems(besides making me break down every now and then). For the past 10 days I've been taking medical tests to figure what's wrong with me and the docs say I have a pre-ulcer case.
I guess there are many reasons, people have high expectations, the pressure just builds but I never noticed it, I never thought I stressed out too much.